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Relationship

Problems

Relationships

Proper communication and conflict resolution are helpful to the relationship but to create a happy relationship there must be a developed sense of positive feelings toward each person in the relationship and this comes about by the words and actions that build and develop a close and trusting friendship (Gottman, John; Silver, Nan (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers imprint (Three Rivers Press).

The chance for a relationship to exist

Working with relationships is different from working with individuals in that the defined patient is neither of the partners instead it is the relationship itself. A relationship is an entity of its own. True, a relationship is a result of two people coming together but it is not two separate people who make a relationship. Rather, the relationship is made up of the togetherness of the two people.

 

It is the way the two people approach a relationship that makes it. If either of the partners attempts a relationship for the purpose of "what can it do for me?" then there is no relationship rather two separate individuals coming together. For a successful relationship two separate people must come together for the purpose of "what can I do for the relationship?". Only then can the entity called "Relationship" have a chance to exist.

Past influences

The type of relationship a person has is often dependent on the relationship model they have experienced in their lifetime. The influence has come from the home, community, media, and so on. It is impossible to create something out of nothing therefore, people are usually relying on what they have learned either consciously or unconsciously about themselves, others, and relationships. Therapy will help you understand how those influences have been affecting your relationship.

The need for individual work as a couple

Sometimes there is a need for individual work in therapy usually best done together with both partners in session. In this way they learn each-other, so to speak. Many relationships get stuck because the individual partners have not learned how to see the other in an open, validating, and accepting manner rather through their own perspective. When someone sees another through their own understanding and interpretation of how things "should be" it makes it difficult to see the other person because they are only being seen in relation to something.

Children are good at seeing and accepting other children. The reason for this is a child is open and needs to be filled with new things. This is how their personality is created. However, once a personality has become formed new things are often looked at askance which causes judgment and a feeling of wanting to "change that thing" to make it more palatable for me. The recipe for successful relationships is to be willing to learn about the other person, to accept them and embrace them for who they are, to appreciate and respect them for who they are. Alternatively, wanting to change someone breeds disdain, the opposite of respect, which leads to a breakdown in the relationship. This is difficult to repair. Therapy is the safe place for both partners to explore these issues, realize them, understand them and each other, and become devoted to the relationship.

The need for individual work separately

Even though it is most important that the couple work together and learn about each other there are occasional situations in which either or both partners may need to be seen separately as individuals in order for therapy to succeed and the relationship to develop.

Beginning therapy

I will meet with the couple for a short telephone conversation to get a basic idea of the situation, and then we will arrange a time to meet for a session usually 50 minutes. During that time we will attempt to come to an understanding of your specific situation and how it involves both of you. This may require more than one session. After we have achieved clarity as to your situation we will establish long and short term goals for your relationship based on what you and your partner want to achieve.

FAQs

What can I expect from therapy?

In therapy, you will be in a caring environment where you the patient and I the therapist will be dedicated to your desired goals. In the beginning the goals aren't always clear. In this case, discovering your goals will be our first priority. Therapy is a step-by-step process of self-discovery and implementation. Once a person begins the process of self-discovery healing begins.

How can I improve my chances of success?

The best way to succeed in therapy is to be dedicated to the process. To understand that there are no quick fixes and to realize that your purpose is to invest in yourself by understanding yourself and doing work based on those understandings. The amount of effort that  you invest in yourself should be no less than anything else important to you, making money, marriage, children, career, health, religion, spirituality, etc. You must be willing to dig deep. It may be painful or difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but vulnerability is a strength. You will stop judging yourself and you will accept yourself for who you have become through your life experiences.  In therapy this acceptance will allow for you to re-evaluate and direct that experience, knowledge, and understanding of yourself to improve your inner emotional and mental states whereupon external changes begin to take place.

Is therapy a good choice for me?

If there are certain behaviors and the results of those behaviors that you are unhappy with and have been unable to change then therapy is a good choice for you. Continuing on your own would offer the same results as you've had in the past, which you were unhappy with. That is a sign it is time for a change. To incorporate someone else's perspective and experience to help you up instead of continuing to pull on your own boot straps.

What type of therapy do you offer?

I offer talk therapy based on Family Systems and Mindfulness. If necessary I will apply Coaching and NLP techniques to facilitate progress. Spirituality can be an important aspect for those who feel connected with it. I will work with you and use whatever techniques will work best for you and which suits your personality.

Family Systems is an evidence based therapy that looks at the various parts of the system and attempts to discover how each part influences the entire system. Once this is ascertained it is possible to use this understanding to create healthy and timely changes in the entire system through individual awareness and conscientiousness. The system being your life and all its components, including you;)).

Mindfulness is what it sounds like, being mindful. Various techniques are used to develop an awareness of the here-and-now. It teaches you to live in the present, to be aware of the present, to appreciate the present, and to use the present to its fullest. Once a person can live in the present, he or she no longer needs to live in guilt about the past or worry about the future. You can plan for the future but you don't need to worry. Moving forward and living life requires living in the present. Guilt and worry create muck and gunk which is difficult to move through.

Coaching uses several techniques to motivate and encourage placing the focus on accomplishments and progress. These methods are helpful once a person has been able to remove himself from the muck and gunk of past experiences and old baggage.

NLP is a method of reframing old limiting beliefs about self and life which can often keep us stuck in a recycling pattern of destructive or fruitless behaviors. Old patterns are released and new constructive ones created.

Spirituality is the use of spiritual or religious concepts and their application to daily life in any particular moment or situation. It is important to understand that since this doesn't suit everyone it will only be applicable to those who feel connected to it. There are also spiritual concepts and aspects of therapy that are not connected to religion specifically.

Sessions are held in person either in Jerusalem or Rehovot. I will also meet people through video call or telephone call if it is difficult to meet in person. The preference is to meet in person for therapy because it allows for a quicker and clearer connection between client and therapist but video call therapy is becoming increasingly popular and can be very effective especially in cases where it is difficult for the client to make it to session. It is possible to meet by telephone if there is no video connection albeit the therapeutic relationship will be different.