From Courtship to the Couch

Why We Stop Trying in Relationships

Exploring the tension between the comfort zone and the effort required to invest in a relationship.

At the beginning of a relationship, you’re willing to move mountains to see each other. You plan creative dates, you stay up late talking, and you genuinely look forward to every second spent together. But as time passes and the relationship becomes "comfortable," something shifts. One or both partners often stop putting in that same level of effort.

What’s the cause of this, and how can it be navigable?

The Habit of Being Alone

This change can be confusing and scary for some. It’s easy to feel offended or less important, and you can jump to conclusions and assume a partner is being narcissistic—that they only cared about "winning the trophy" and have now checked out. While that can happen, the reality is usually more benign and less malicious: it is simply the return of habitual, comfortable behavior.

Before you met your partner, you likely had a peaceful, relaxing routine. Whether it was playing video games, spending time with friends, or just sitting on the couch watching a game or a movie, that solitude was your "connecting mechanism" that you are used to. Our nature is to revert to these old, familiar habits once we feel comfortable and the newness of the relationship fades.

The Driving Analogy: Why Effort Feels Like Work

Think of a new relationship like learning to drive.

•  The Learning Phase: When you first start, you are awkward and uncomfortable. You come home exhausted because you have to be so focused and contained.

•  The Mastery Phase: Once you've learned the skill, it takes almost zero effort.

A new relationship is similar. It’s awkward at first because you’re afraid of getting something wrong or showing a part of yourself you aren’t proud of. Once you feel secure, you naturally want to return to that "zero effort" state.

The Secret Ingredient: Consistency

While it is important to carve out time for yourself, a relationship must be “invested in" to stay special. You don’t necessarily need to spend as much time together as you did in the beginning, but your investment must be consistent. "Consistency is what influences the compound effect, allowing for the true connection and trust to grow."

By choosing to use your comfort zone as a temporary reprieve, instead of camping out there, and prioritizing your time, you grow as a person in all areas of your life, and your relationship develops as well. More importantly, you move beyond just a "taste" of a connection you had at the beginning and instead live in the experience of one another.

Thank you for being part of this journey. If you have any questions or need further support, please reach out, and we can see if working with me will work for you 😉. Together, we can navigate the path to healing and growth — for you and your relationships.