This is my understanding of what love is. The word "love" is used so often and in so many contexts that its meaning has become muddled. It is thrown around freely and sometimes even accusatorily, causing people to feel guilt or confusion when they don’t feel the way they are “supposed to feel.” Many couples struggling in their relationships blame a lack of love for their difficulties. Let’s take a deeper look at what is really happening so we can strengthen relationships.
The Many Uses of "Love"
We often use the word "love" casually:
"I love this steak."
"I love this dress."
"I love my family, but they drive me crazy."
Each of these statements expresses a form of connection or appreciation, but is that really love? Similarly, in relationships, the term "love" is often conflated with other experiences, such as attraction or infatuation.
The Role of Chemistry in Attraction
In romantic relationships, there is often a period of intense chemistry that creates a strong attraction between two people. This chemical attraction, fueled by increased dopamine and serotonin, typically lasts between six months and two years. The good feelings resulting from the chemical nature of this "honeymoon phase" and the novelty of the new relationship can make us blind to flaws—“love is blind.”
But this is not love; infatuation is a more accurate term. This stage is an important part of most romantic relationships because it allows the couple an opportunity to get to know each other deeply and strengthen relationships. The natural overlooking of flaws, willingness to move on from real or perceived infractions, and the trust and sense of loyalty help the couple develop positive sentiment and a longing for one another—key factors that cement the relationship.
Once this honeymoon phase passes, the strength and longevity of the relationship depend on how the couple has progressed during this time. Were they able to build something deeper, or did they get distracted by the excitement of infatuation, by the fantasy? True love can be better than any fantasy, but it requires building and maturation.
A healthy couple transitions from infatuation to a loving relationship, which is characterized by (ATAR):
Acceptance: Embracing flaws and imperfections.
Trust: Knowing they can rely on one another.
Appreciation: Valuing the qualities that make each partner unique.
Respect: Honoring each other’s individuality and boundaries.
This shift happens when both individuals can see and accept each other as they truly are—the “whole package”—not as idealized versions of themselves. They integrate the other person into their lives in a way that allows both partners to feel secure, authentic, and autonomous.
When Infatuation Is Mistaken for Love
On the other side of the spectrum, an unhealthy couple may experience the same attraction but fail to understand and accept each other as individuals. Instead, it may seem like they've absorbed the other into themselves, projecting their fantasies onto the other.
This can lead to:
Enmeshment: Losing sight of individual boundaries and identities, where any demonstration of individuality is seen as a threat to trust, respect, or connection.
Unrealistic Expectations: Searching for the partner’s agreement or validation as proof of love, and interpreting its absence as evidence of betrayal or abandonment.
Insecurity: Reacting to disagreements as catastrophic and interpreting differences as threats.
Hypervigilance: Allowing anxiety to pervade the relationship, leading to avoidance and emotional disconnection.
When conflicts arise, these dynamics often spiral into misunderstandings and resentment. The belief that "If you really loved me…" becomes a barrier to open communication and growth making it difficult to strengthen relationships.
Reframing Love as Connection
At its core, love is about connection. Consider these examples:
"I love food": You feel connected to it because it satisfies your needs.
"I love my home": You’ve invested time, money, and care into it, creating a sense of attachment.
In relationships, connection requires active effort. It’s not about passively waiting for someone else to fulfill your needs. Instead, it involves:
Seeing the Positive: Actively focus on your partner’s strengths. Every person has flaws, and just as we prefer our own flaws to be overlooked, we should not magnify the flaws of others—especially not the person we chose to share our life with.
Creative Effort: Make time to connect and grow together. Even small, intentional moments can be deeply meaningful and should be treated as sacred by both partners.
Active Listening: Being present and open to your partner’s perspective requires more than just hearing their words. To truly listen, you must be willing to set aside your own fears—fears of; losing respect, missing subtle cues, or surrendering your defenses. Acknowledge any impulses to protect yourself or to hold on to a sense of control. Instead, put your thoughts on hold, just for a moment, and completely open yourself to experiencing the other person as they share themselves with you. Nothing will be lost by doing this. On the contrary, both of you will gain a sense of connection, trust, and understanding that only comes through this kind of presence.
Commitment: The Foundation of Love
Love, sometimes called "companionate love," prioritizes emotional intimacy, trust, and commitment. But commitment goes even deeper than love because it requires consistent effort, responsibility, and dedication. When I commit to someone, I make a conscious choice to be there through thick and thin. This means being proactive, taking responsibility, and giving 100% to the relationship—even when it feels hard.
When I pour effort into a relationship—by focusing on my partner’s strengths, finding ways to connect, and listening with curiosity—it naturally fosters a sense of connection in me. But for this connection to flourish between both partners, the effort must be recognized and accepted.
For the giver, emotional obstacles like unresolved feelings, past triggers, or fatigue may make even the smallest act of kindness feel overwhelming. The idea of initiating can feel especially daunting when negative emotions cloud the moment or when past experiences make them hesitant to reach out. But the truth is, love doesn’t have to be grand or perfect. A warm glance, a kind word, a smile, or a gentle touch may feel small, but they carry profound meaning when done with the intent to connect.
For the receiver, these gestures can also be challenging. Misunderstandings, mistrust, or lingering pain may block the ability to see or accept love. A small act might be misinterpreted or even go unnoticed if past experiences have built emotional walls. To fully receive, it requires a willingness to connect: Acknowledge the act of kindness - even if it feels unfamiliar, imperfect or makes you feel vulnerable.
Set aside assumptions or past hurts - to create space for the gesture as it is.
By taking these steps—giving with sincerity and receiving with openness—partners create a shared cycle of connection. Recognition validates effort, acceptance transforms it into love, and the bond between both people grows stronger with each small moment of vulnerability. People naturally feel attached to what they invest in. When kindness is both given and received, it fosters a profound sense of connection that strengthens the bond for both people.
Love, then, is not just a feeling—it’s a verb. It’s the actions you take and the willingness to receive those actions that create the experience of loving and being loved. When used as a noun, love reflects the connection that results from these efforts. So now you know what love is.😌
Barriers to Love in Complex Relationships
Love can feel impossible when one or both partners are stuck passively waiting for expectations to be fulfilled. This is particularly common in relationships where complex trauma creates barriers to giving and receiving love.
Some of the most common barriers include:
Fear of Vulnerability: A deep fear of being taken advantage of or abandoned, which can block trust and openness.
Hypervigilance: Seeing loving gestures as manipulative or insincere, based on past experiences.
Low Self-Worth: Believing you’re unworthy of love or assuming others have ulterior motives.
Breaking through these barriers starts with small steps. The way forward is to take risks in vulnerability—whether by offering a small act of kindness, allowing yourself to accept one, or simply showing up with curiosity about your partner’s intentions. These steps may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if past pain clouds the present. But with intention and persistence, even small gestures can begin to rebuild trust and connection.
Love isn’t something that simply happens; it’s something you build through intentional effort and commitment. By understanding love as an action and prioritizing connection, couples can create relationships that are resilient, fulfilling, and deeply meaningful.
That said, I know this can be overwhelming, especially if you feel stuck in patterns of disconnection or weighed down by past experiences. It’s not easy to rebuild trust or learn new ways of connecting without support, and that’s okay. Sometimes, having someone who understands these dynamics can make all the difference.
Thank you for being part of this journey. If you have any questions or need further support, please reach out, and we can see if working with me will work for you 😉. Together, we can navigate the path to healing and growth—step by step, with care and understanding.
Comments