Does Familiarity Really Breed Contempt?

In the last post, Courtship to Couch, we explored how couples seeking comfort—or relief from the energy required for courtship—often slip back into habitual patterns of self-entertainment that quietly exclude the relationship itself. On one level, this can be understood as a form of familiarity. The couple feels secure. They believe they’ve “put in the work,” and now they can relax.

This type of familiarity does not inherently breed contempt. But left unchecked, it can.

There is another form of familiarity worth addressing: familiarity with the more unrefined, biological aspects of being human. Becoming too familiar with this area too early can be deterring and may evoke repulsion or disgust. While unpleasant, these reactions are not contempt.

Contempt, commonly defined as a feeling of disdain or moral superiority toward another, is something else entirely. It is not caused by another person; it is an internal state that is projected outward. It reflects the person who is aware of the contempt that they are feeling and behaves reactively, only to regret the hurtful results of their reactions, and doesn’t want to be that person. This is not about the person being victimized in an abusive environment that develops contempt as a wall to protect themselves from the pain and suffering of ongoing harm, boundary violation, or betrayal, which will be dealt with in a separate post. 

For someone to experience moral superiority, they must believe—consciously or unconsciously—that they are “above” and that the other is beneath them.

When someone sees another as beneath them, it is not because they see clearly, but because their capacity to see others is limited. They are forced to compare others to themselves in order to justify their own existence, while simultaneously nullifying the others’ existential value.

If someone finds themselves looking down on the person they are in a relationship with—of any kind—it is worth taking this as a cue to look inward. Often, what we perceive as lacking in another reflects a part of ourselves we have not been able to accept and now experience as intolerable.

From this perspective, “familiarity breeds contempt” is only true when familiarity brings us face-to-face with parts of ourselves we judge as ugly—and rather than owning them, we project that judgment outward.

If you notice this happening, one possible response is to allow childlike innocence to re-emerge—the curiosity and wonder that once found appreciation in the fullness of life. This is difficult because the part capable of devaluing others is usually a protective part. Long ago, after being hurt, it exiled curiosity to avoid vulnerability and learned instead to protect by diminishing others.

This may not be your intention. The behavior can be subtle—a tone, a look, a withdrawal. But if you were able to accept yourself fully, love yourself fully, and value yourself accurately, you would not find yourself minimizing another’s worth.

No human being can measure another human being’s value.

The saying attributed to Einstein—that judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree condemns it to believe it is stupid—points to a simple truth: no one can be so knowledgeable or aware as to objectively measure another person. Our perception is limited, and that limitation is shaped by emotion and unresolved inner material.

On a spiritual level, the infinite Creator invested Himself in each of us. This realization leads to an unavoidable conclusion: every human being is infinitely valuable. Applying this understanding to yourself and to others has the power to profoundly transform your inner world and the lives of those around you because restoring humility, curiosity, and reverence is not only therapeutic — it is a return to spiritual alignment.

Thank you for being part of this journey. If you have any questions or need further support, please reach out, and we can see if working with me will work for you 😉. Together, we can navigate the path to healing and growth — for you and your relationships.

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