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Writer's pictureGavriel Tornek

How Complex Trauma Affects Relationships


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A Cute Couple

Hello, and welcome back!


Today, we’re going to find out more about Complex Trauma, something that affects many relationships. Understanding how trauma influences our interactions can be the first step toward healing and creating healthier connections.


Understanding Complex Trauma


Complex trauma refers to exposure to multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature. This type of trauma typically occurs in childhood and can include experiencing and/or witnessing emotional, psychological, and/or physical abuse and/or neglect. Unlike a single traumatic event, complex trauma can profoundly affect a person's executive, emotional, and relational development.


The Impact on Relationships


In our previous discussions, we touched on the importance of trust, communication, and emotional health in relationships. Now, let's delve deeper into how complex trauma specifically affects these areas.


Trust Issues


Previously, we discussed the foundational role of trust in any relationship. For individuals with complex trauma, trust can be a significant hurdle. When primary people repeatedly hurt you, believing others are safe and reliable becomes challenging. This lack of trust can manifest in many ways, including jealousy, suspicion, and fear of vulnerability. Imagine constantly questioning a loved one’s intentions or having anxiety about being left alone; these barriers get in the way of intimacy. 


Communication Barriers


Normally, you will be misunderstood occasionally unless you are trained in effective communication. Add to that a heightened sensitivity of being put down or made to feel worthless in many ways, and successful communication gets highjacked, whether it’s coming or going. Intent and Impact are essential components of communication. When one of the communicators is preoccupied or distracted by the possibility of being hurt, the Impact of the other’s Intent will not be what it was initially intended to be, and vice versa. Suddenly, there will be a flare-up resulting from triggers and past wounds.


Emotional Regulation


People with complex trauma often struggle with regulating their emotions, experiencing overwhelming feelings, anger, fear, depression, and panic triggered by seemingly minor events. This emotional volatility creates tension and conflict in relationships.


Healing Together


To navigate these challenges, we will build on previous strategies and introduce more advanced approaches:


  1. Creating a Safe Space: It is fundamental to create a safe, nonjudgmental space where both partners feel accepted and understood. This involves open communication and active listening. For example, partners can practice reflective listening, repeating or summarizing what they heard to ensure understanding and validation. Additionally, practicing emotional attunement—being in tune with each other’s emotional states—can enhance this safe space. The most important thing to develop is patience. This comes with understanding, compassion, and a strong desire to succeed in the relationship.

  2. Seeking Professional Help: Trauma-informed therapy can be invaluable for couples dealing with the effects of complex trauma. As previously mentioned, there are so many pitfalls when negotiating any relationship, all the more so when there is past trauma involved. A trained therapist can recognize the cause of these obstacles and help you overcome them most efficiently and successfully. You will no longer fumble helplessly because you’ve “tried everything.”  Therapists can recognize the symptoms and provide tools and strategies, but remember there is no magic wand, and your work still needs to be done; however, with trauma-informed couples therapy, you will have a direction, and you will learn more about your own needs and be able to apply that knowledge to your relationship. 

  3. Incorporating Spirituality: For those who find it meaningful, incorporating Jewish spirituality and mindfulness into the therapy process can provide additional support. This holistic approach can help individuals feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually grounded and supported. Spiritual practices can foster a more profound sense of peace and connection. For example, meditating on the principles of acceptance and forgiveness can help trauma survivors cultivate a more compassionate relationship with themselves and their partners.


Moving Forward


Healing from complex trauma is a journey that requires patience, compassion, and understanding, whether you are the one healing or you are in a relationship with someone who is healing. By recognizing how trauma affects relationships and taking proactive steps to address these challenges, couples can work together toward building deeper, healthier connections.

Thank you for being part of this journey. If you have any questions or need further support, please reach out. A short free consult will give you an idea if working with me can work for you. 😉 Together, we can navigate the path to emotional wellness and healthy relationships.

Stay tuned for more insights and tips in our upcoming posts. Let's continue to learn and grow together.



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